


Home To You

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bottom Kylo Ren, Comfort Sex, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time Blow Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Redemption, M/M, Minor Finn/Rey (Star Wars), Minor Jessika Pava/Jannah, Minor Kaydel Ko Connix/Rose Tico, Obligatory Take That at Christie Golden, Past Torture, Past Violence, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Snoke Being a Dick, Top Poe Dameron, Touch-Starved Kylo Ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-30 05:14:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20809115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: In which Kylo gets reacclimated to touch — including on a more intimate level.





	Home To You

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Touch-Starved
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Couldn’t resist shoehorning a Take That at the “compassion is for those who deserve it” horseshit from Legends.

He should hate Kylo Ren. Poe knew that much. It was one of those things that was just obvious. Ren had hurt him, more than he could ever imagine. Poe could still remember that horrified realization that the man who had allowed the stormtroopers to rough him up, the man who had broken into his mind...that man and the boy he’d fallen in love with were one and the same.   
  
He tried to focus on what Ren had done. Killed so many people, just to begin with. (Poe had killed too, but he only killed people who would have hurt someone else) And yet he could also remember Ben. Ben, far too well. The young man training to be a Jedi. Them, being friends — and as they both got older, Poe noticing that he didn’t just love Ben like a very good friend, but something more than that.   
  
It didn’t make everything magically okay. It just made Poe wonder what the hell happened out there, to make the boy who wouldn’t hurt a gizka suddenly decide to become a killer.   
  
_Was it Snoke? Stars, was that the breaking point? Was Snoke really that bad? _  
  
It was after dinner that Poe actually approached Kylo. He wasn’t going to lie; it was scary. Then again, with the way Kylo _looked, _with his hair hanging limply around his face, everything about his posture suggesting he wanted to just close himself off from everyone. It should have been satisfying, in a “how the mighty have fallen” way.   
  
It sure didn’t _feel _satisfying.   
  
“Um...hi.” Even saying it out loud was enough to make Poe feel awkward. They hadn’t spoken on friendly terms since...well, since Ben had waltzed out of his life. “Long time no see, I guess.”  
  
“Yes.” Kylo’s voice was quiet and subdued. More than usual, that is.   
  
“I was wondering if we could...talk.”  
  
Kylo tilted his head.   
  
“There’s a lot I want to understand,” Poe said. “Really.”  
  
Silence. Then, “I don’t see what I have to lose.”  
  
They left. Poe could all but feel the others’ worry for him, as well as them still wondering how Han and Leia’s son could have done the same. _They must not have been very good parents, _one of them was saying to another. _You know how it is. Usually the father’s abusive, or the mother’s cold as the Falcon’s hull... _  
  
Poe could only hope that General Organa didn’t overhear that.   
  
They reached Poe’s room, where BB-8 greeted Kylo with excited beeps. Both Poe and Kylo smiled wanly; obviously, BB-8 didn’t know what had happened to Ben Solo.   
  
Even sitting carefully at the table in Poe’s room, just across from each other, Poe swore that Kylo actually looked pained. Pained, though he tried unsuccessfully to hide it. His eyes were too expressive, as they always were.   
  
Poe doubted he wanted to get too close to Kylo yet.   
  
There was a bit of silence between them before Kylo spoke. “What did you want to know?”  
  
Poe took a deep breath. He knew he had a lot of questions. “Why did you leave?”  
  
Kriff, that was a hard memory. He remembered Ben trying to rationalize it, justify it, saying that he needed to complete his training and Poe needed to be safe. Safe from the First Order, Poe knew now. Had Ben known, even subconsciously, what was going to happen to him?   
  
Kylo spoke. “To protect you.”  
  
“You did a bad job of it. Just saying.”  
  
Kylo looked pained again. Poe could only infer that he was truly sorry for what he’d done — letting Poe be beaten on the rack, later —  
  
Even thinking about it was painful.   
  
Kylo continued. “It’s not an excuse, but...I hated doing it.”  
  
“Then why?” Now Poe was getting...if not angry, frustrated. Kylo could have walked away at any time. Was Snoke all but putting an invisible blaster to his head?  
  
Kylo sighed. “I thought I could get what I needed.”  
  
“And you didn’t even get that, in the end,” Poe said. “Skywalker showed you up. So you tortured me and Rey for absolutely nothing.”   
  
Kylo’s eyes suddenly seemed very wide, vulnerable. He clearly hadn’t considered that.  
  
Poe continued. “Why did you want revenge on Luke anyway? I mean, it’s not like he actually hurt you...”  
  
Kylo went tense. Poe prepared himself for a rant, or a tantrum.   
  
Instead, what Kylo said next, about Luke apparently trying to kill him, made Poe’s blood freeze. Apparently before Ben had even proved himself to be dangerous. After bringing the hut down, Ben had run — run to the Jedi for help, only for them to think he’d killed Luke, and for them to be split into two factions: one in Ben’s favor, one in Luke’s.   
  
It sounded unbelievable. And yet it filled in some gaps. Poe knew that.   
  
“And...everything else?” Poe said.   
  
“It got easier.” Kylo said. “First time that I interrogated a prisoner, I threw up afterwards. And then, over time, it became like breathing. Snoke...told me what to do and I did it. I took lives. I tortured.” The way he said the word “tortured”, it was like he was just realizing what it was. “It gets ahold of you. And it gets easier, and you believe in it.”  
  
Poe wished he could rebut that. And yet...in some ways, killing had gotten easier. Not like Poe was enjoying it, but like he could point the blaster and fire. Bang bang, went the blaster. And even the ones that didn’t require blasters. Like Paige; General Organa still blamed him for that. Even though she had willingly volunteered.   
  
Bang bang, went the blaster, or whatever ship you were flying.   
  
Poe, despite himself, reached over. Touched Kylo’s hand. Kylo looked surprised in that moment. Almost like...when had been the last time someone had done this for him? It was something that Poe hadn’t even considered.   
  
“You okay?” Poe said. Against better sense, but what use was better sense when it came to Ben Solo?   
  
“The last time I did this...it was with Rey,” Kylo said. “Nothing...happened between us. But this hasn’t happened often. Being touched, I mean. Aside from my father, Rey, and you.”  
  
And Poe, despite himself again, found himself thinking about Ben out there — not Kylo, but Ben, being alone, cut off from even casual touches. Things even so simple as pats on the shoulder, hand touches, hugs, anything...  
  
Talking of hugging, there was something about this moment, just this moment, where Poe wanted to hold Ben — hold Kylo. He wondered — and he hoped he wasn’t being read so easily. After the Finalizer, he doubted he was ready — if he was so transparent.   
  
“Can I...touch you?” Poe said.   
  
He could have sworn that Kylo’s breathing actually hitched. Then, “I...would appreciate it.”  
  
Where did Poe begin? He could all but trace star charts on Kylo’s palm. Dot to dot, star to star. He began there, and he wondered, as he traced patterns, traced Kylo’s fingers, if Kylo’s heart somehow beat for him too.   
  
***  
  
Touch. It wasn’t something that Kylo considered. When he was younger, he’d enjoyed head pats, hugs, handshakes, kisses on the top of the head. He’d had a supportive environment, and Snoke...well, touch took on the opposite meaning. When he actually was touched, it took on the slice of a Praetorian Guard’s blade when he wasn’t quick enough, Snoke’s lightning shooting, sizzling through him. It wasn’t exactly uncommon for Dark Siders to be harsh with their students. It didn’t make the Force Lightning any less excruciating.   
  
Poe...Kylo didn’t say it out loud (after the Finalizer, he didn’t want to scare Poe), but he knew how much, simply, Poe wanted to hold him. This man. Even after Kylo was good as responsible for all his suffering. How Poe Dameron wanted to touch a monster...Kylo didn’t know.   
  
He wished he did.   
  
Maybe that was one of those reasons Kylo had fallen so deeply in love with him. He was rarer than he knew, more precious than anyone had ever treated him as. Poe saw the sorts of things no one would think existed in someone else. Kylo wondered if Poe saw those same things in himself.   
  
Poe was continuing to work his way up the touching-him ladder. Not in public at first, but even as Kylo adjusted to life among the Resistance, he did it in public more often. Casual touches, claps on the shoulder that left Kylo wanting more. For a moment, he was Ben Solo again, all but helpless at Poe’s touches, at everything Poe did, just for him.   
  
More than that, he almost wanted — it wasn’t just being held by Poe, loved by Poe. It was the simple, honest fact that he wanted to kiss Poe, to hold him. Even sitting near him, Kylo was glad that Poe wasn’t telepathic. That he couldn’t read those thoughts that flickered in his mind, like wondering how it would taste to kiss him, how gorgeous he looked when he burst out laughing at one particularly good joke one of his squadmates told.   
  
If only he didn’t feel all but paralyzed. Somehow, even though he’d blown it, Poe still cared about him. He could only conclude that Poe was a better man than him.   
  
***  
  
They progressed, of course. It didn’t stop Kylo from feeling unworthy. Why did Poe essentially try to nurse this _thing _back to health? And was there room in Poe’s heart for someone who had done so much wrong?   
  
Those touches only got worse. Kylo almost wanted to push Poe away, and yet he needed, selfishly, more. It was selfish. Poe deserved someone else — Finn was with Rey, though, and Jessika with Jannah, Kaydel with Rose. Still, Poe deserved someone who could make him happy, not shatter him into pieces.   
  
“I can’t,” he said, one night when Poe tried holding his hand.   
  
Poe furrowed his brow. “Why?”  
  
“You should hate me.”  
  
“I don’t.”  
  
“But I hurt you...”  
  
Poe was about to rebut him, but Kylo said, “Light doesn’t touch Dark. It doesn’t work that way.”  
  
“I thought the Light Side was about compassion for everyone.”  
  
“My uncle...when he started to, well, crack, he said, ‘Compassion is for those who deserve it.’”  
  
Poe scoffed. “Well, I’d say he was so full of bantha poodoo that he probably attracted other banthas.”  
  
Kylo almost wanted to laugh. Almost. “I pushed you away. Why are you trying to get closer?”  
  
“Because I love you, you beautiful idiot.”  
  
_Idiot. _Well, Kylo couldn’t argue with that. Maybe those thoughts had been in front of him the whole time, and he had been almost unable to comprehend them. Because it had seemed inconceivable that, after everything he’d done, that Poe would love him. Even Snoke had said it himself. _Not like Dameron would want you after all you’ve done... _But somehow, Snoke had lied about that too, because somehow, Poe still loved him. Still.   
  
“After all this time?” Kylo said.   
  
“Completely.”  
  
Kylo took a deep breath. “So Snoke lied. He said that you would never...and I thought he was right...”  
  
“The more you tell me about him, the more I don’t blame you for killing him.”  
  
“Yeah.” Kylo continued. “What you feel...I feel it also. For you.”  
  
He could swear that Poe’s eyes became all but a sky full of stars.   
  
“Ben,” Poe said, “Do you...want to go deeper than what we’ve done?”  
  
Kylo nodded. He knew he wanted this — it wasn’t just physical desire; it was, simply, a need to be connected with Poe. To know that Poe wanted him, not just through words but also lips and fingers.   
  
Their lips touched, and it was slow at first, navigating noses and lips, but it was more than worth it when Kylo felt the softness of Poe’s lips against his. When he actually tasted Poe, when he felt their mouths automatically open (and it felt natural, good, part of the process), and Poe’s fingers tangle in his hair. He couldn’t help but groan, draw Poe in closer, run his hands down Poe’s sides, down his body. He felt those parts, warm and soft, and he couldn’t help but feel a sort of pride, a sort of satisfaction that he got this reaction out of Poe.   
  
_You’re mine. And I — all of me, actually — am yours. Forever. _  
  
They broke away, and Poe ran a hand down the side of his face. Kylo was already panting, taking in Poe’s face, every fine line. Even in between his desire, he felt something deeper — a slow burning tenderness even as he took Poe’s small, slim hand and placed it over his heart.   
  
“You don’t know what you’re doing to me right now, do you?” Kylo said softly.   
  
Poe smiled faintly. “I have a damn good idea.”  
  
He placed kisses to Kylo’s moles on his neck. Kylo gasped; he hadn’t expected his throat to be so sensitive, anything about him to be so sensitive, wanting more of what he’d denied himself for, what, eleven years? Ten and a half? Kriff, it didn’t matter. Poe could do whatever he wanted, and Kylo would not complain.   
  
“Poe — stanging Corellian hells — ”  
  
“I got you to mix up your swears,” Poe said, grinning against his neck. “I’ve done something right.”  
  
“Of course you have.” Kylo said. “Poe...it doesn’t feel right. I should be...returning the favor...”  
  
“You deserve everything. Don’t deny it. Unless you want me to stop?”  
  
“No,” Kylo said. “Keep going.”  
  
Poe all but kissed down his neck, and, at Kylo’s permission, pulled away his shirt. Kylo instinctively flinched; he remembered how awkward it had been when he’d been shirtless before Rey, but Poe reassured him with a murmur. “You’re beautiful. Of course, I already knew.”  
  
Kylo smiled faintly. He thought of better times, swimming with Poe in the Yavin falls when Ben was eighteen and Poe twenty-one, and Ben trying to hide these new feelings for his best friend. Realizing that Poe wasn’t a teenager anymore but a gorgeous, striking man. Poe, standing by the falls, smooth and sun-golden, and later jumping in the water, laughing even as he splashed Ben by mistake. (And Ben had had to admit that it was pretty funny. Plus, Poe’s laugh...)  
  
“Take your clothes off,” he said. “I want to see you.” Even the fact that Poe was clothed and he was half-naked...well, it just wasn’t fair.   
  
Poe did. Kriff, Poe’s chest...Kylo wanted to worship it, nibble at his nipples and suck on them.   
  
“You’re beautiful,” Kylo said.   
  
“I — ”  
  
Kylo sighed. “You’re beautiful, end of story. Don’t contradict me.”  
  
He kissed Poe again, because he could. Maybe that would be a justification for holding Poe in public — because he could.   
  
“Just lie still and let me work.” Poe smiled down at him, and Kylo could not deny him. Even as Poe rubbed circles around his nipples, kissed at them and bit at them and sucked them, Kylo tried to hold himself still, not moan too loudly, but it was a struggle — eventually, he gave up trying to stay still and quiet, and moaned openly, bucking up into that glorious feeling.   
  
“Poe...” he murmured. “Stars...”  
  
“You like it?” Poe said.   
  
“Just...experiment with whatever feels good.” Even as Poe licked a line down the flat expanse of Kylo’s upper belly, he groaned. “That, for instance.”  
  
“Glad you like it.” Poe nibbled along the interiors of Kylo’s thighs. Another groan from Kylo even as Poe sucked hard enough to leave a mark. Moved towards his shaft — Kylo felt vulgar saying some of the more explicit words for that organ — and even feeling the wisp of Poe’s breath over the sensitive flesh made Kylo groan in desperation and buck his hips.   
  
“You like that idea?” Poe said. “Me, between your gorgeous legs?”  
  
Kylo, gently, nodded. “Please.”  
  
Poe was clearly inexperienced at it — there had been dates, but nothing sexual; not that it had stopped Ben from being irrationally jealous — but the care was there, the feel of his warm mouth and tongue against his dick (and Kylo at that point didn’t care how vulgar his language was; it seemed excusable considering the situation). He couldn’t say he was completely coherent aside from “there, right there” and “that’s perfect” and “Force” and probably a mix of Alderaanian and Corellian profanities for that matter. He couldn’t reach Poe between his legs, but he could encourage him, praise him. The only downside was that he couldn’t see Poe’s beautiful face very well.   
  
“Poe, I think...”  
  
Poe drew off. “You okay, sweetheart?” he said, and even that simple word meant that Poe could end him just with an endearment.   
  
“I don’t want to...choke you.”  
  
“I can take it.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Poe returned to his work, and when Kylo came, he swore he felt it like a tremor throughout his body.   
  
It wasn’t over. Poe needed his release too, and even preparing himself and then Kylo...it felt like sweet torment. Poe’s slim fingers, coated in lube, breaching him, and Kylo moaned. Best part was that he could see Poe’s face, could see the love in this man’s eyes, the caring.   
  
“You’re tight,” Poe murmured. “Just relax.”  
  
Poe’s fingers hit something — Kylo could feel it, the sort of pleasure that shot through him, causing him to arch and moan. “Force, what was that?”  
  
“Must have found the prostate.”  
  
Kylo nodded. He’d gotten sex education back at the Academy, though it wasn’t so explicit as to include the prostate.   
  
Poe coated his shaft — and considering Kylo had sworn a lot during their lovemaking, it felt silly that he was censoring himself now — before lining himself up at Kylo’s entrance. “Ready?”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
Poe pushed in, and stars, he felt _good. _Kylo groaned, and he could swear Poe was trying not to curse as well. Even as Poe pushed in deeper, he didn’t neglect the more tender details, like placing kisses to Kylo’s neck.  
  
"You look so...kriffing gorgeous like this,” Poe gritted out.   
  
Kylo basked in the praise. Took Poe’s hand and kissed it even as his lover moved in him, with effort managing to hit his prostate and make him all but keen.   
  
When Poe came, it felt endless, like a river, marking and claiming Kylo as effectively Poe’s, no matter what. And it was worth it, hearing Poe groan in release before slipping out and drawing Kylo into his arms.   
  
Kylo couldn’t say he was coherent. He was all but murmuring nonsense even as Poe kissed his head and smelled his hair. He might have murmured something that sounded like “thank you” and “wonderful.”  
  
Poe smiled. “Thank you,” he said, “Just for coming home.”  
  
Kylo let those words and Poe’s touches all but wash over him like a wave even as he closed his eyes.


End file.
